early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear