early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
You Might Also Like
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.