early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
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google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs