Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
This kid is going places
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*