Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
“Dave, don’t, he ain’t worth it bro”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress