Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
sitting eating at a picnic table in a park that shares a fence with the middle school yard and this lady comes out says “shouldn’t you be in class?” and i’m confused and just freeze and she goes “come on. to the office”
and i just go “…. i’m 20…” and she went RED😭😭😭
Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?