Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards