Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”