Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.