Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Self-cleaning conscience
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
honestly, i need both:
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do