Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
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[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Potatoes were such a good idea
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!