Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
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so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
PARKOUR
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!