Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐

And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

My blood type is coffee.

We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.

That came out of nowhere.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.

You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!

Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.

My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.

Half of this strand of Christmas lights doesn’t work so I’m just going to ball it back up and toss it in the bin so it can piss me off again next year.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.