EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
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If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
Breaking news:
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*