Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bad joke of the day:

How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”

Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

drew a comic about my origin story

Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

God tier horse name today on the sims

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

WAITER: Can I take your order?

CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?

WAITER: …Dad?

CUSTOMER: …son?

[they embrace, finally reunited]

DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself

Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.

The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.

Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.

This joke is 7 years old

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”