Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]

Me: diamond bracelet?

Clerk: $10,000

Me: cubic zirconia?

Clerk: $5,000

Me: glass?

Clerk: $2,000

Me: beaded plastic?

Clerk: $1,000

[later]

Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?

Me: I made it myself : )

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell

I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.

i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it

I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

my facial care routine has some really good, expensive products that my dog licks off right after

Pat is about to own someone

Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

October 31