Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
You Might Also Like
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.