Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
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Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Amidst all the commercialism, please remember the true meaning of Christmas: whacking your siblings on the head with cardboard wrapping paper tubes
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Sending in my taxes
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss
