Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul

who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

In case you needed to hear it:

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

*police sirens*

*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*

QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN

*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

Me: Have fun on your date.

Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?

Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?

my premium snap prices:

-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15

I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle

Friday night party time 🥳

Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.

I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.

If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.