Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops

🤣🤣

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?

me: yes

dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks

i wish we could shoplift online

Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.

Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.

Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.

The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.

Have you tried complaining about it for hours?

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…