Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”

2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you

Me, handing out Halloween candy

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?

<— only has 13 problems left.

Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!

I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

[last supper]

judas: this could’ve been an email

of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten

I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”

To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”

Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?

Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-

Them: Oh Jesus

Me: -the portable hat!

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.

Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.

Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.

Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.

#HatDadJoke