Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat

I went to the candle store today.

They were having a blowout sale.

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote

The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.

“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’

* charges phone.

Phone: wrong hole.

I work from home and tend towards introvert

Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?

Me: Saturday!

Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

a woman showed up two hours early to the theatre furious because she “didn’t know it was daylight savings” and I said “do you have a smartphone? those change time automatically” and she goes “yes but why would I look at that, I know what time it is” ???? famously you do not

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:

Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.

“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”

My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.

The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.