Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:

– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”

Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture

MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.

Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.

How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

Satan: What’s that?

God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.

Satan: I see. *invents screaming*

God: lol good one!

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.

King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs

Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.

Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …