Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

Oops, I ate my feelings again.

~ a memoir

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?

Scientist: what do u know about atoms

Me: very little

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

LOL at people with only 99 problems

What’s that like?

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

am i feeling hopeful about the future?

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.

What am I gonna do with a river?

Could you cry me a beer?

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”