Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

[deserted Island]

other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies

me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.

A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep

Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind

6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.

I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!