Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful

HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was

ME: ok now i’m bummed again

ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button

ADVISOR: why

ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it

her: what do you want?

me: to pay for my sins

her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru

me: I mean to pay for my McSins

An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries

People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

having a job is cool but everydayyy???

Me: You have to do your homework.

My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?

Me: Obviously yes.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5