earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.
I don’t hate you, but I hope you meet someone just as nice as you that returns your favors.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
The toothpick museum hates to see me and my mini chainsaw coming.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.