earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
lost dog
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.