earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You Might Also Like
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.