Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling

#mondaymirth

what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fine

Scorpion: Give me a hug

Sub-Zero: Umm no..

Scorpion: GET OVER HERE

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?

Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.

Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.

Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.

Me: seriously not a cult.

Dad: what do you call all those people?

Me:

Mom:

Dad:

Me: my followers.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.

San Francisco has too many rules

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.

#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?

in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome