Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.

If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.

My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time

There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”

ME: is this the soup of the day

WAITER: it’s an aquarium

ME: ok I’ll have that

Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.

*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

No one

An atheist: I am an atheist btw

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

you come to me? on a friday at 4pm

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.

Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.

Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?

Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting