Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You Might Also Like
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
“TGIM!” – My liver
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?