Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]

Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.

*crowd gasps

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

You make me want to be a better sentence completer.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

Pilgrim: What the hell is that?

Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.

– The first green bean casserole.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

*entering first day of prison*

“Are you guys mad at me?”

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?