Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
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Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
App: Would you like us to remember you on this device for next time?
Me: Yes.
App: That would be nice, right? lol.
Me: what…
App: Sign in again.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
airing out the snack pack
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you