Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!

But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

Father’s Day Fun:

1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.

So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.