Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.

Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged

Wife: Call someone to fix it

Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny