earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.