earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
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