earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
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3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Perfect
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
The sacred texts.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
