Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

Genie: You have three wi–

Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?

ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.

Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish

SNAIL WIFE: Oh no

HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide

Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”

After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”

If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂

Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”

Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people

me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?

my cat: yes