Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

[the first couples argument]

Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.

Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.

Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery

Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness

Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?

My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.

He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”

Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.

Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver

[being 40]

fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job

me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –

FD: your body is only 38% recovered today

me: wtf

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

😅😅😅

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.

Always…

It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.