[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
this is literally a CIA plant
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
cause of death:
autopsy.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.