Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”

-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.

I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.

what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?

Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.

Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week

That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

This is why science literacy is so important, kids.

I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.