[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
