[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
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Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?