Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a dinner party]

Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?

Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*

Me: you’re all blocking the table

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.

I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.

Them: Can you help me?

Me: I don’t work here.

Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*

My boss: You need to stop doing that.

The prophecy is fulfilled

me hooking up with my ex

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.

Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join

Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling

Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang

I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire

{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.

I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.

I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!

[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it