Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning