Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.

Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.

Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.

Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”

That’s not in the rules!

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first

Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat