Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
Museums are a joke like please don’t steal this old shit nobody would never use
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*