Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh