Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
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Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
No regrets in 2018
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him