Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

I’m a self-made hundredaire

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!

In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

“Don’t look at me, you bought the faulty blinds”

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.

They’re working together, we’re in trouble.

Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!

Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.