Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

mandolin: finally a violin for men

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

What if all the cashiers are married?

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,

I’m a terrible gardener.

it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”