Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?

Wolfman: Silver bullets

Frankenstein: Fire

Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

Food delivery driver here, time is money so no need to stand behind your front door for a few minutes pretending that you’ve not just been staring out your window looking for us for the last 20 minutes and yes we saw your curtains twitching

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:

Omelet Easydozen

Florentine Pepperbatter

Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally

Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew