Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?

My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?

I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

[anniversary dinner]

HER: tell me something that will make my heart race

ME: my credit card got declined

Get in loser we’re going crying

no one:

my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows

Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

“Would you rather be right or—“

YES

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?

Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.