EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Ion see the issue
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
NOT all policemen are strippers.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?