Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.

My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

rapatouille

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

whenever i hold a baby i say “god i want a baby. i just wish i knew where they come from” & it kills every time

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

[first day at CIA]

Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?

[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]

#Caturday

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!

Job interviewer:…and a weakness?

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out