Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

[first date at a karaoke bar]

Him: you said you had the voice of a siren

Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?

7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*

Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.

7-year-old: It was their planet first.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.

There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.