EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
why would tinder want me to say this
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”