EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
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Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
is this a warning or an offer?
