Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…

Mom: Cant what?!

D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.

M: *single tear falls*

King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!

Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

my wife keeps complaining about me leaving my stuff around the house. It’s like she doesn’t even know how feng shui works.

My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵

Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two

My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.