Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!

4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!

A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.

do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.

There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Beware of the “party goblin”…

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.