Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

Very good news from my accountant

fourth time’s the charm

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

A woof in sheep’s clothing.

The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”

Maybe I eat too much pizza …

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”

me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in

“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.

People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.