Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.

My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.

Him: Being a teenager is tough.

Me: *sigh* I’m 40.

I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

Me: Do you have homework?

11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

[hanging out in my basement]

Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.

Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.

Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??

Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!

I know karate and tons of other words.

What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message

I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.

“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.