Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
🤣😂🤣😂
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Yup
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.