Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Don’t you hate when you come in from practicing your lightsaber skills in the outhouse and your wife says ‘Oh look, it’s the return of the Shedi’ and then your kids cry laugh for forty minutes.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Me: See that guy right there? I met him in the 6th grade.
10: When there were dinosaurs?
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential