Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I think about this cartoon a lot.
