Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Why is this me 😫
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.