Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Person: How do you go to the bathroom?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.

School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”

I am embarrassed for myself.

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.

Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”

Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.

I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.