Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?

What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.

Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be