EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
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i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Two sheep walk into a baaaaa.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.