Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*
*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*
Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!