Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

[Calling doctor’s office]

Lady: When is your child’s birthday?

Me: *panic* click

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*

Teller: holy shit

Me: what

Teller: you suck at art

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work

Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable

If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

According to the Internet:

Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.

PS4
– Cures cancer.

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦

If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Do not steal food from the science building!

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.