Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
Yeah. This was me today.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My time has come.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”