Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

*downloading the new earthquake warning app*

*setting to vibrate mode*

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Butt weight. There’s more!

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again

Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

Happy Thanksgiving

Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit

If you love someone, tell them.

If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.

The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”

Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”