earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
[montage of me giving-up]
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out