earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
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(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
#ProTip
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
yes… yes…
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry