Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.