Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
The First Farmer
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*