Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
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Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.