Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
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In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.